Season five for Game of Thrones ended on HBO last night. My wife and I watched and she declared for all the world to see on Facebook that she had not been this upset by the show since Season 1, Episode 9.
Seriously, my wife almost stopped watching at that point.
For myself, I read the books and more or less knew what was coming. But aside from some Iron Islands stuff and a bit more of Arya in Braavos, there isn’t much left for even book readers to feel smug about seeing coming for the uninitiated (red wedding anyone?). Besides, major changes were made this year the instant Sansa turned up in at a certain northern location.
Does that count as a SPOILER? I don’t think so. There may be more after the cut where I make my predictions for next year.
1. For one thing, no one actually died in this episode that had a name except for Meryn Trant, who nobody liked anyway. Even the Faceless Men weren’t too upset about that guy croaking. What did happen to the rest?
- Brienne found some mercy for Stannis and only chopped his limbs off, and will carry him around on her back like C-3PO in Empire Strikes Back as she and Pod take the onetime claimant to the throne to Tarth to rally the people there against the threat of shadows with faces everywhere.
- Theon and Sansa landed in a very soft snow bank and slipped away, protected by the ghost of Sansa’s late direwolf Lady.
- Myrcella is revealed to be narcoleptic when she wakes up from her sudden nap.
- Jon Snow was smart enough to send out his stunt double instead.
2. Meanwhile, Cersi has been dead since episode five of this season, and her scenes afterwards were set in Hell.
3. The Shame Nun is now ruler of the seven kingdoms.
4. Benjen Stark returns in his suit of armor as Valerian Steel Man. His conclusive blasts are anathema to all White Walkers, as they conclude their existence. He’d been held hostage by Wildling terrorists after shrapnel lodged itself in his gall bladder and he needs the armor to live.
5. Bran Stark wargs into an actual mountain–as opposed to The Mountain– and accidentally steps on the Wall, shattering it.
6. Tommen gets so frustrated waiting for Margery to come back and have some good, old fashioned Westerosi fun that he rips the Sparrow’s throat out with his teeth, cementing himself in the history books as King Tommen The Glutton.
7. Dany meanwhile decides she’d rather rule the other continent and leave the White Walkers on their side of the ocean. Seriously, screw that whole continent for killing off her family.
8. Tyrion and the remaining two dragons start a circus after he institutes democracy in Mereen, but is scared out of town by the Occupy The Fighting Pits movement.
9. George R. R. Martin himself is cast as a scribe whose prose skills are so fantastic that he could merely write stuff that would keep the White Walkers occupied long enough to destroy them, but he just can’t get anything done in a timely fashion.
10. Samwell Tarly and Gilly assist some short guy in destroying a ring in a volcano.
11. The Night’s Watch runs into problems with the day shift guys.
12. Jaime’s hand grows back.
13. The Dorne stuff from this year ends up amounting to nothing, just as the Iron Island Kingsmoot will next year.
14. There’s only ever two Faceless Men at a time, one master and one apprentice. No more, no less.
15. Petyr Baelish gets exactly what’s coming to him when Lady Stoneheart rips his heart out. The Cryptkeeper will then make some bad puns about it before the closing credits.
16. One controversial episode will feature the direwolves, and only the direwolves, talking in a language humans can understand.