Late Geek Review: Jurassic World

So, I finally saw Jurassic World.  Hey, I wasn’t exactly a huge fan of the original.  Why should I rush out to see the new one?

I mean, what is it people love about Jurassic Park?  Interesting and compelling characters?  Nope.  Accurate science?  Not really.  Logical plots?  Nah.  Likable children?  Oh hell to the no.  What is it?  Oh yeah.  Dinosaurs run around and eat a few people, generally adults.

OK, so, how about I say what I thought.  SPOILERS for last summer’s biggest box office hit after the cut.

Man, this movie made no sense.

Suspension of disbelief is important.  If you lose it, the movie loses you.  There are many things I was a bit baffled or unimpressed by.  Let’s take a few on…

• That divorce subplot.  Why was it there?  Is the movie implying putting their children in danger fixed their marital problems?
• Was it me, or was the Indominus Rex not all that impressive?
• For all that, whose bright idea was it to hunt a big, bad dinosaur with a group of, well, much, much smaller dinosaurs?
• And further, why exactly was the Indominus Rex able to communicate with the Raptors?  I mean, I share something like 98% of my DNA with chimps, but I don’t think I can get them to follow my orders just because of that.
• Wait, military applications for dinosaurs?  In what universe is that an idea to take seriously?  Probably the same sort of universe where a dude believes he can hold his nice, meaty hand out to a Raptor and tell it over and over, “I’m on your side!” is actually a good idea.
• That park kinda sucks, all told.  Why is there a resort there when you can probably see most of the park in about a day?  That exotic location doesn’t help.  You’d probably have to be fairly well-off to even get there.  The park’s purpose was among the many things that drove Ryan nuts.  It made me think of SeaWorld, and Blackfish gave me plenty of reasons not to want to go there again.  As I say on the subject of that park, I don’t mind zoos, aquariums, or amusement parks, but when you combine the three…
• I gotta object to the idea that of dinosaurs being passé, particularly when Bryce Dallas Howard compares them to the elephant at the zoo.  You know what I still get a kick out of?  The elephant at the zoo.  I don’t exactly see elephants on every street corner.  Seeing any exotic animal up close and personal is rather cool.  And if the dinosaurs are only in one place…nah, I just don’t see why they’d be seen as dull.  The expense involved with just getting to the park would probably still make them a cool experience.
• Hey, remember when the pterosaur grabbed Howard’s British assistant and dragged her all over until that Hungry, Hungry Hippoasaurus ate both of them?  Man, she was such a rich, compelling character that we all got to know and care about…
• Same with that brontosaurus Chris Pratt was comforting as it died.
• How big is that park?  Pratt managed to, what, walk back to the command center from the Indominus pen in about ten minutes?

Look, I don’t expect much from a Jurassic Park movie.  The special effects are the real attraction.  Yeah, the dinosaurs seemed more real the first time around, but really that was due to the fact they used CGI less than people think and had puppets in most scenes.  What dominant traits did any character from any of these movies not played by Jeff Goldblum have anyway?  Even a charming guy like Chris Pratt can’t put a lot of neat ticks into a character that’s basically a mass of stereotypes.

But there was one moment that got my attention.

That would be the moment where B.D. Wong’s Dr. Wu, the only holdover from the original (really?  not even Sam Neil?), points out that none of the dinosaurs are real dinosaurs.  I don’t mean in the sense that they’re just special effects (the movie ain’t that meta…or maybe it is in which case this is even cooler), but in the sense that the animals are hybrids made to look like what people think they’d look like as opposed to what they’d really look like.  That’s, like, the best science the movie managed to pull up.  Never mind they took a minor, possibly benevolent character from the first movie and made him rather evil.  I really liked that one speech.

And it did strike me that the two dinosaurs that more or less save the day are the same two that caused the most terror in the original movie.

So, let’s say six out of ten loose raptors.