Alan Rickman Launches Plot To Rob Heaven


“You think puny cancer could defeat me? Laughable.”
We here at Gabbing Geek went to great lengths to obtain the following transcript of Mr Rickman’s last meeting. Several Bothans and one curious groundskeeper’s cat died to bring us this material, so let their efforts not be in vain. Find out what was said after the break. 

Rickman: “Right. Everyone here?”

Voice 1: “Bob’s missing.”

Voice 2: “Nah…I’m here…or something…”

Rickman: “Bob.” (Loud footsteps are heard) “Are you under the influence of an illegal substance?”

Voice 2 (Bob, presumably): “No! Well, I don’t think so…it’s just some pot…er…”

Rickman: “Pot…er?”

Bob: “Sorry.”

Rickman: “Your ineptitude fails to surprise me, but I imagined you would be more skilled at hiding it.”

Voice 1: “He’s still our guy.”

Rickman: “Are you sure? Your life–quite literally–depends on it.”

Voice 1: (audible gulp) “Y-y-y-yes sir.”

Rickman: “Very well, we proceed. Our goal is simple. We get in. We steal everything. We get out. And we take the fancy gates as we return, just so they know it happened.”

Bob: “And where is this exactly?”

Rickman: “Why, Heaven, of course.  By the time they realize what’s missing we’ll be sitting on a beach earning 5%.”

Voice 1: “You said 20 earlier.”

Rickman: “Economy.”

Bob: “Heaven?  How are we supposed to get to Heaven?”

Rickman: “Did you not read the dossier?”

Bob: “Oh. Um. Yes?”

Rickman: “Simply put: we die, Bob. I have merely to depart this world. Because of your…questionable backgrounds I have arranged for you both to pass while performing a heroic act. You will save a schoolchild while Bob prevents a puppy from being squashed.”

Bob: “Squashed?”

Rickman: “By a safe.”

Bob: “Like in Fish Called Wanda?  That’s a thing?”

Rickman: “Yes. Care for me to demonstrate?”

(Extended silence)

Rickman: “Once in we follow the map, Bob breaks the safe, and we’re out. Any questions?”

Bob: “Yeah. Are you serious?”

Rickman: “Do I look like I’m joking…Bob?”

Bob: “Heaven. Seems far fetched. Aren’t you afraid of dying?”

Rickman: “I eat death.”

Bob: “That was just pretend.”

Rickman: “Was it? Or did a character I was hired to portray start as a sniveling, whiny nobody only to be transformed into the most powerful wizard ever once I took over?”

Voice 1: “Snape wasn’t the most powerful. That’s Harry.”

Rickman: “Harry was powerful. Who taught him the most about magic?”

Bob: “DUMBLEDORE!!! What…I knew that one.”

Rickman: “And who…killed…Dumbledore?”

Voice 1: “But that was just part of an intricate plan.”

Rickman: “So you’re saying I’m either the most powerful wizard alive or I’m the pivotal part of a plan beyond your comprehension. Ponder that.”

(More silence)

Voice 1: “And you have a plan to get back?”

Rickman: “Of course. And then we will split the riches. 25% each.”

Voice 1: “I thought we all get equal shares!”

Rickman: “We do. There is a fourth member.”

Bob: “Fine. Whatever. But once we get there, how are we gonna get in without people…or whatever…watching?”

Rickman: “I’ve arranged for all guard posts to be vacated when we arrive.”

Voice 1: “What?!? How?”

Rickman: “Let’s just say our fourth will be holding a concert that everyone will attend.”

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Ryan Garcia

Father of two boys, husband, attorney for Dell (Social Media, Retail, Gaming), Broadway geek, comic book geek, science fiction geek, gadget geek.

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