Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. No, not Watson coming back to do this report.
We’re still missing Watson, but this random Soothsayer wandered into the Gabbing Geek Main Office, and before security (Jimmy’s moose) could eject him, he managed to spit out the following…statement.
Oh woe betide us all! The unthinkable has happened! The Force did not awaken enough to fend off another challenger!
And what manner of challenger brought down our vaunted champion? Some award bait that would make the pain hurt less?
A lowly January release managed to unseat the Abramswork. Some sort of…Ride Along came in first place for the weekend’s bounty! $34 million dollars for something with a lower Rotten Tomato score than the age of most who would dare go see it! That it was the second of its kind means there will be a third, mark you.
But that was not enough humiliation. No, for the mighty Abramswork actually did not come in second place…but third! The Revenant placed second. I would be more forgiving had this one prevailed, as a top contender for Best Picture, but the stars are foggy at present to me. I cannot say if this film, which brought in $29.5 million this weekend past, will prevail. Me? I liked Mad Max.
And then, oh doom, oh gloom, then Star Wars: The Force Awakens. No other movie dares to strap its sandal to its foot! Another $25 million does not appease me! No! It cannot be! The reunion of the Ford, the Chewy, the Hamil, the FISHER! The Fisher made me feel funny in my toga in my youth, let me tell you…
What? Fourth and fifth place? Michael Bay’s Benghazi movie and Daddy’s Home, in that order! Who dares to question the mighty Mojodumass?
Unhand me, Mooseling!
WATSON! COME BACK!