Everyone who has seen Episode VII has a theory on who are Rey’s parents. These theories range from the intriguing to the totally insane. Rather than try to contribute to the growing collection of suspects, I thought it would be better to take the opposite approach. Rather then take wild guesses as to who her parents might be, let’s try and eliminate some potential suspects from the list. And so now I present to you the 33 Star Wars characters that are definitely not Rey’s parents. Jump after the break to know who we can finally let off the hook.
1. Salacious B. Crumb
Look at those ears! Those are genetically dominant and Rey definitely doesn’t have them!
Because he would have said something in the movie. Wookiees are horrible at keeping secrets.
3. Lando Calrissian
This isn’t a race thing–it’s a “Lando is way too cool to abandon his own daughter on a desert planet” thing. Lando would have schemed out of trouble, not given Rey to a scavenger.
4. An Imperial MSE-6 (“Mouse”) Droid
Those things are way too busy for a family! Plus they lack reproductive organs.
5. Nien Nunb
Everyone knows he hated kids.
6. That Dianoga in the Death Star trash compactor
Mostly because he was blown to pieces in Episode IV. (And now you know that creature’s name!)
7. Admiral Ackbar
It’s a paternity trap!
Because it would just be way too convenient for him to “run into” his daughter while on the run.
9. This Toaster
Of course they have toasters in the Star Wars universe! Everyone knows Sith like their breakfast on the dark side!
10. Jabba the Hutt
He wouldn’t have hidden Rey anywhere–he would have made her his slave girl. Plus, he’s dead.
Maybe he listened to Rey because he’s her dad and not because she suddenly mastered the Force Mind Push? Nah.
12. Jar Jar
Not even going to consider it.
14. Darth Maul
Unless his severed lower half stayed alive for a few decades and sired a child, he’s out of the running. (See what I did there?)
I don’t care what personal electronics device he resembles, he didn’t have a human child.
16. Momaw Nadon
Rey likes to stick her neck out to help people, but come on now.
17. Bib Fortuna
He may be the only character who can both Whip and Nae Nae just by looking to his right, but he still isn’t Rey’s dad.
Although it would explain why he was so interested in Rey’s dating situation. Still, not the father.
19. Biggs Darklighter
Dead. And technically doesn’t exist because they removed his name for the final version of the movie.
He was a giant green rabbit in the original comic book and no way he’s related to Rey.
21. Jek Porkins
Also dead. Otherwise his inability to follow timely instructions regarding the need to pull up would make him a good candidate.
22. Ahsoka Tano
No way she leaves her kid and runs away–she’d fight off the galaxy to protect her child! Besides, her kid would be all about the green lightsaber, none of this blue nonsense. Given her skin color it’s far more likely she was Snooki’s mom.
23. Baron Papanoida
Ultimately, he fathered everyone in the movie. Just not Rey specifically.
24. Major Bren Derlin
Because he’s never even been in the kitchen with Rey’s parents.
25. Max Rebo
Sure, it’s possible with all his touring and the countless groupies he had a kid without knowing it. But Rey would have figured it out and filed a paternity action so she wouldn’t have to live in a giant robot shoe.
26. Tuan We
The nose is all wrong.
27. Wicket Wystri Warrick
We saw Rey’s house. She doesn’t have the grooming equipment to hide Ewok heritage.
Lobot is too busy jamming to NIN to hear about your stupid theory.
29. Grand Admiral Thrawn
He doesn’t exist anymore. It’s hard to have kids when you don’t exist.
Sure, he likes a good white cloth wrapping same asRey, and he can handle a weapon, and he’s got plenty of attitude. Hmm…maybe he is related. Nah. He has a dumb name.
This droid was a jerk. No way Rey has half his genes. If he had genes.
32. Tion Medon
Look at him–the guy is made of corduroy! How’s he going to have a baby?
Even if Saelt was married to Rey’s mom he’d have some questions when Rey was born. No chance he’s the dad. Oh, and also dead.