33 Star Wars Characters Who Are Definitely Not Rey’s Parents

maury

Everyone who has seen Episode VII has a theory on who are Rey’s parents.  These theories range from the intriguing to the totally insane.  Rather than try to contribute to the growing collection of suspects, I thought it would be better to take the opposite approach.  Rather then take wild guesses as to who her parents might be, let’s try and eliminate some potential suspects from the list.  And so now I present to you the 33 Star Wars characters that are definitely not Rey’s parents.  Jump after the break to know who we can finally let off the hook.

1. Salacious B. Crumb

salacious

Look at those ears!  Those are genetically dominant and Rey definitely doesn’t have them!

2. Chewbacca

chewbaccatransparent

Because he would have said something in the movie.  Wookiees are horrible at keeping secrets.

3. Lando Calrissian

lando

This isn’t a race thing–it’s a “Lando is way too cool to abandon his own daughter on a desert planet” thing.  Lando would have schemed out of trouble, not given Rey to a scavenger.

4. An Imperial MSE-6 (“Mouse”) Droid

mousedroid

Those things are way too busy for a family!  Plus they lack reproductive organs.

5. Nien Nunb

nien nunb

Everyone knows he hated kids.

6. That Dianoga in the Death Star trash compactor

dianoga

Mostly because he was blown to pieces in Episode IV.  (And now you know that creature’s name!)

7. Admiral Ackbar

ackbar

It’s a paternity trap!

8. BB-8

bb8

Because it would just be way too convenient for him to “run into” his daughter while on the run.

9. This Toaster

contemporary-toasters

Of course they have toasters in the Star Wars universe!  Everyone knows Sith like their breakfast on the dark side!

10. Jabba the Hutt

jabba

He wouldn’t have hidden Rey anywhere–he would have made her his slave girl.  Plus, he’s dead.

11. JB-007

jb007

Maybe he listened to Rey because he’s her dad and not because she suddenly mastered the Force Mind Push?  Nah.

12. Jar Jar

jarjar

NOPE!

13. Sarlacc

Sarlacc

Not even going to consider it.

14. Darth Maul

darthmaulsliced

Unless his severed lower half stayed alive for a few decades and sired a child, he’s out of the running.  (See what I did there?)

15. IG-88

IG-88B-ESB

I don’t care what personal electronics device he resembles, he didn’t have a human child.

16. Momaw Nadon

momaw-nadon-2_a6fae2f8

Rey likes to stick her neck out to help people, but come on now.

17. Bib Fortuna

bibfotuna

He may be the only character who can both Whip and Nae Nae just by looking to his right, but he still isn’t Rey’s dad.

18. Finn

finn

Although it would explain why he was so interested in Rey’s dating situation.  Still, not the father.

19. Biggs Darklighter

Biggs

Dead. And technically doesn’t exist because they removed his name for the final version of the movie.

20. Jaxxon

jaxxon

He was a giant green rabbit in the original comic book and no way he’s related to Rey.

21. Jek Porkins

porkins

Also dead.  Otherwise his inability to follow timely instructions regarding the need to pull up would make him a good candidate.

22. Ahsoka Tano

Ahsoka

No way she leaves her kid and runs away–she’d fight off the galaxy to protect her child!  Besides, her kid would be all about the green lightsaber, none of this blue nonsense.  Given her skin color it’s far more likely she was Snooki’s mom.

23. Baron Papanoida

Baron_Papanoida

Ultimately, he fathered everyone in the movie.  Just not Rey specifically.

24. Major Bren Derlin

brenderlin

Because he’s never even been in the kitchen with Rey’s parents.

25. Max Rebo

 

maxrebo

Sure, it’s possible with all his touring and the countless groupies he had a kid without knowing it.  But Rey would have figured it out and filed a paternity action so she wouldn’t have to live in a giant robot shoe.

26. Tuan We

tuanwe

The nose is all wrong.

27. Wicket Wystri Warrick

Wicket_RotJ

We saw Rey’s house.  She doesn’t have the grooming equipment to hide Ewok heritage.

28. Lobot

Lobot-2

Lobot is too busy jamming to NIN to hear about your stupid theory.

29. Grand Admiral Thrawn

thrawn

He doesn’t exist anymore.  It’s hard to have kids when you don’t exist.

30. Dengar

dengar

Sure, he likes a good white cloth wrapping same asRey, and he can handle a weapon, and he’s got plenty of attitude.  Hmm…maybe he is related.  Nah.  He has a dumb name.

31. EV-9D9

EV-9D9

This droid was a jerk.  No way Rey has half his genes.  If he had genes.

32. Tion Medon

Tion_Medon

Look at him–the guy is made of corduroy!  How’s he going to have a baby?

33. Saelt-Marae

Saelt-Marae2

Even if Saelt was married to Rey’s mom he’d have some questions when Rey was born.  No chance he’s the dad.  Oh, and also dead.

 

 

 

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Published by

Ryan Garcia

Father of two boys, husband, attorney for Dell (Social Media, Retail, Gaming), Broadway geek, comic book geek, science fiction geek, gadget geek.

One thought on “33 Star Wars Characters Who Are Definitely Not Rey’s Parents”

  1. Gabbing Geek is one of my favorite blogs, and I wanted to tell you I have nominated you for the “One Lovely Blog” award, and posted your nomination and link to your site on my most recent blog post:
    http://maythefourthbewithyoupartyblog.com/2016/01/29/one-lovely-blog-award/
    The nomination is the award in-itself (there is no further voting), and it’s purpose is to give recognition to wonderful and unique blogs, as well as give our readers a chance to see where we (the bloggers) go for inspiration and fun. As the recipient of this award feel free to download and post the “One Lovely Blog” graphic in your sidebar, as well as nominate 15 blogs of your own (if you go to the link above it gives you the “rules”). Keep up the GREAT work!

    Like

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