The Muppets ended its first and possibly only season last night, ending on a cliffhanger plot line of whether or not Kermit and Frog and Miss Piggy would get back together.
You know something, Kermit? Getting back together with that pig is a terrible idea.
Look, Kermit, I gotta level with ya.
Miss Piggy? She’s not a good match for you.
I know you two are supposed to be one of those forever pairs like Barbie and Ken or Tom and Jerry (you know this one is true). But let’s look at the evidence.
For starters, Piggy has no respect for your personal space. You’re a good frog, but she demands, DEMANDS, you shower her with affection at times when all you really want is to make sure the show goes off without a hitch. You’re clearly not comfortable with excessive public displays of affection. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest that Piggy has read more into your relationship than you have.
You know who acts like that? A stalker.
I mean, having the pig in your immediate vicinity, I can easily imagine you falling for that. But there’s a name for that sort of emotional change. It’s called “Stockholm Syndrome”. Look it up sometime.
That might not be bad enough, except Piggy is clearly the jealous type. You even glance at another pig and there’s trouble.
She also is not above ditching you with a bill. In The Muppet Movie, the two of you go on a date to a nice restaurant, not because it’s what you want, but because she more or less demands it. And then she leaves you in the middle of dinner. Yes, she gets kidnapped, but after she rescues you (points to her) she leaves YET AGAIN to make a commercial.
That’s Piggy all over. She makes decisions for you, Kermit, and always to her benefit and no one else’s. She does the same thing in the wedding scene in Muppets Take Manhattan. I’m pretty sure a wedding where the groom wasn’t planning anything isn’t really a legitimate wedding, so you got out that way.
And what happens if you do say anything to make that hair-trigger pig even a little upset?
Look, Kermit, I know you’re not comfortable expressing feelings. You clearly value Piggy. But looking over the evidence, the ditchings, the jealousy, the stalking, the physical violence, it’s pretty damn clear: Miss Piggy is an abusive girlfriend.
You are in an abusive relationship.
You can do better, Kermit.
I believe in you.