Look, ticket buyers, we get you.
We know you don’t listen to critics. Or us. Both Ryan and myself counseled against seeing the new Divergent movie. But a lot of you did anyway. Rotten Tomatoes ranked it at 10% fresh. And still a bunch of you went.
How many? And who has got the report this week? Check after the cut.
Still no sign of Watson, but we found another Watson cousin while looking for our guy. He said his name was Free Waterfall Watson Jr.
Here’s what he had to say.
Whoa, man, how did you get in my house?
What do you mean I don’t have a house? I had one yesterday, man. Oh wait, that wasn’t my house. Capitalism, man. It messes with your mind. Though not as much as these magic shrooms I got here. Want one? No? More for me.
A box office report? I don’t get that, man. Movies should be free. Like health care. And ice cream. And more of my magic shrooms. I didn’t really pay for the shrooms, man. I found them on the ground. The shrooms get me, man.
Well, since people care about material things, which they totally shouldn’t, man, here’s the box office report.
Zootopia got $38 million for first place. But not everything is a competition, man.
Then in second there was a Divergent movie with $29 million. My first grade teacher told me I was a divergent, man. I told her I would graduate from her class when I was good and ready. That was last week.
That’s a joke, man. It was really last year. Second grade is kicking my ass right now. It’s why I need the shrooms, man. All that stress will get to ya.
Miracles from Heaven was third for $15 million. I don’t know what that’s about. Maybe it was raining ice cream. I’d like to see that miracle, man.
Fourth place went to 10 Cloverfield Lane with $12.5 million. I saw the trailer for that. Looked like a bad trip I took once. I went to Cleveland and got mugged. That was a really bad trip, man.
And then in fifth place was Deadpool. I don’t approve of violence in any form, man, unless it’s funny. This one was the funniest movie I snuck into this year. It got $8 million.
Now, if you will excuse me, my left foot is talking to me. These are some great shrooms, man.