The Complete List Of Everything Right With Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice

batmanvsuperman

At last, Ryan has seen and reviewed the eponymous Batman Vs Kramer:  Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes.  He didn’t like it.

Well, it wasn’t good, but to be very fair, I will now list all that was right about it.  SPOILERS and such.

  1. Ben Affleck didn’t suck!  He might have actually been one of the better things in the movie.  That may not be saying much.  I mean, c’mon, Jeremy Irons is standing right there!  Use him!
  2. Aquaman did not waste anyone’s time by talking.  Not even to a fish.  Did you want to hear him say anything?  I sure didn’t.
  3. Everyone loves slow motion action scenes.  You know, I assume that is true.
  4. Cyborg’s dad was played by Joe Morton!  Hey, I didn’t know that!  Did you know that?  Joe Morton’s awesome!  I hope he gets one of those weird monologues like he does on Scandal all the time!
  5. The more time Zach Snyder spends making these movies, the less we have to worry about running into him on a street somewhere.  You just know it would be uncomfortable and weird.  He’d probably want to know your thoughts on Sucker Punch and his misguided attempts to do female empowerment.
  6. The movie didn’t waste any time raising questions it wouldn’t answer.  Seriously, it doesn’t raise any questions.  I mean, the audience might be wondering at nuanced things like motivation for characters and whatnot, but the movie didn’t worry about that stuff.
  7. Amy Adams in a bathtub?  Amy Adams in a bathtub.  I mean, why is only Watson allowed to say troubling things of a sexual nature around here?  Besides the fact he’s Watson.The next Ronin.
  8. Doomday’s casting means that cave troll from Fellowship of the Ring got more work.  It’s hard for troll actors to find any roles these days.  It was also hard trying to explain the difference between a cave troll and the balrog to my dad.
  9. The filmmakers managed to make their universe distinct in tone from the Marvel Cinematic Universe.  You don’t need things like bright colors, optimism, or humor in your superhero universe.
  10. For ignorant Americans everywhere, Gal Gadot’s accent will make Wonder Woman seem extra foreign.  That has to count for something.
  11. Was that Batman super fan Senator Patrick Leahy sitting next to Holly Hunter when that Senate hearing exploded?  Yeah, it was.  He was also in Batman and Robin.  I’m guessing he isn’t that picky.
  12. It proved that smashing together Dark Knight Returns and Death of Superman is just as unwieldy and odd as anyone who has read both stories could have told anyone involved.  But no one asks those people.
  13. That photographer killed in the beginning of the movie for being a CIA plant was supposed to be Jimmy Olsen.  See, that’s what happens when someone tries to make Jimmy a badass.  Some people just should not be badasses.
  14. The flamethrower guy that Batman takes out to rescue Ma Kent was maybe the KGBeast.  The Cold War doesn’t make anything less dated, right?
  15. Scriptwriters clearly were inspired by Superdickery given Superman’s general demeanor in the entire movie.  Granted, they might have just adapted the tone originated in Man of Steel. 
  16. I saw the Captain America 3 trailer before the movie.  Yay!  Spider-Man!
  17. Jolly Rancher product placement was odd given who loved them.  I mean, we wouldn’t want to go crazy for a candy eaten by the film’s villain?
  18. The people involved clearly knew a lot about the source material given numerous references and Easter eggs.  They just didn’t care to get things like basic tone of the classic characters right.  It’s the idea of the spirit of the law versus the letter of the law.
  19. It’s better than Krull.  Not that that’s hard.
  20. It makes Deadpool look better by comparison.  Not that that’s hard either.  Deadpool was awesome.  After seeing BatsoupDeadpool becomes super awesome.
  21. The massive budget kept many people employed and able to feed and house their families.  That’s what those anti-piracy ads taught me.
  22. Any time Ryan sees a movie he doesn’t like, he makes a highly entertaining list of all the flaws.  That counts for something.
  23. There was no question about whether or not Superman went into space.  The most divisive issue in the Gabbing Geek office.
  24. There were some potentially cool ideas there.  The state of Wayne Manor and Batman’s unmentioned backstory (bat story?) means that there are a lot of potentially interesting holes to fill in regarding where this Batman came from.  Too bad the movie didn’t care to even try and answer them.
  25. Michael Shannon was in this and Midnight Special.  In the latter movie, Shannon doesn’t care for the fact his kid is reading Superman comics.  That’s gotta be on purpose, right?
  26. The movie stands as a cautionary tale about how not to kickstart a superhero universe.  Don’t do like Snyder and David Goyer do.
  27. They did have some interesting visuals.  Snyder can do that.  It’s when people start talking that the problems break out.
  28. The real argument over Batman versus Superman now turns to who is the bigger jerk.  Is it apathetic Superman who looks uncertain or uninterested whenever he does a good deed, or is it ultraviolent Batman shooting and branding bad guys?  That has to be a better discussion point then how fast Batman takes out Superman with sufficient prep time.
  29. No Bat-nipples.  I’ll take my victories where I can get them.
  30. Fans will continue to live in hope that the next one will be better.  I mean, it has to be better, right?  Right?

 

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2 thoughts on “The Complete List Of Everything Right With Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice”

    1. Affleck actually does fine here, but the movie’s script doesn’t offer him much to do with. If he does make his own Batman movie, I’d actually look forward to that. It’s a different take than, say, Bale’s or Keaton’s, but he was absolutely fine in the role given what little he actually had to do.

      Liked by 1 person

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