Last week, I thought I finally figured out the whole point of the weekly Box Office Report.
Then someone showed up to set me straight. Or straighter. Is “straighter” a word?
Yeah, another long lost Watson cousin wandered into the office to explain how my theory that box office receipts are just the free market showing the best movies, because only the best movies would sell the most tickets is completely wrong.
Anyway, here’s the report, as given to me by Serge Watson.
Your capitalist masters want you to equate profit with quality. That is a faulty assumption. When the Revolution comes, you will learn the truth.
Take, for instance, the fact that The Jungle Book came in first place this past weekend with $103 million. Is it a good movie? The bourgeois would have you believe it is simply because of the presence of on Comrade Bill Murray as a talking bear. And while I generally approve of bears I…wait, I did want to see this. I shall get back to you on this.
But next was Barbershop: The Next Cut. That movie only received $20 million. Is it a worse movie than The Jungle Book? Does it have a talking bear? Because, honestly, I would go for anything with a talking bear. I wish there were more talking bears in the movies I usually see, but those tend to be documentaries about beat farmers.
Third place went to The Boss, a movie that predicts the downfall of all our capitalist overlords who must then learn what it means to be one of the masses they used to exploit. I approve of the movie that much, though I have not seen it due to a distinct lack of talking bears and beat farmers. This prediction of the future earned $10 million, showing the proletariat’s approval.
And is there any sure sign of capitalism’s future collapse than the steady decline of Batman Vs Superman? Only a mere $9 million…and if that is mere, I shall eat my hat.
Fifth place went to Zootopia, which may have had a talking bear in there. I am not sure. I approve of talking bears. I assume the $8.2 million the movie received will encourage Disney to invest in more talking bears.
That guy had some issues. Mostly crudely drawn issues of The Zany Adventures of Marx and Engels, but they were still issues. I think he made them himself.